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Sunday, January 15, 2012

Yesterday...

Have your parents sit down and document their lives on tape, believe me, this is the best thing that you can ever ask for or do for your children, especially if they value family as much as I do.  I found my life in turmoil.  I received a phone call from my grandfather who I have only been in contact with for the last few months and it was not a good phone call. He had not heard from my father in seven years and I had been trying to find my father for quite some time to get answers about my childhood; why we lived in a tent when my brother was born, why we had two airplanes shortly after or why my mother married him despite all of her incredible prospects who were head over heals in love with her. My mother refused to talk about anything and my father was completely off the map, no where to be found, I have felt like an orphan for quite sometime, but with a bit of hope and now all hope is lost.  I may never know anything about my childhood, may never know who my mother was when she was young and this leaves me with nothing, but sadness and hurt.  My mother always said, "Never look back." What she didn't realize was that it is really hard to move on if you don't ever look back, remembering the truth.  You have to know where you came from to know yourself, in my case I need to know where my mother came from because she was my saving grace.  My father was a severe alcoholic, alcohol consumed him, even til the day he died, it was a big part of his life. Why mother married him is beyond me, but she should have told me the truth about things and yet, she died, taking it to her grave and now, my father has too and all I can hope and pray is that my father wrote something to my brother and I, explaining things or even to say that he did love us and thought of us often.  I don't understand why this has become my fate, not knowing is the worst thing that I can think of, it has torn me apart for the last year and a half (since my mother has died) and now it is bound to torment me for the rest of my life.  My head is spinning, my heart is torn and I am lost. Knowledge is power and I haven't any knowledge and I am powerless, needless to say, I am stuck at a dead end, possibly until the life hereafter.  Great, just great. 

1 comment:

Stacey said...

Mercedes... I am so sorry. That must be very hard to deal with. Know that I love you and think about you often. I hope you find peace and happiness in your family that is here and loves you so much!