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Friday, January 27, 2012

Clutter Bug!

Had a garage sale today, holy cow, I had a lot of stuff to get rid of!  I hate clutter, but I can never seem to get rid of it; I have so much stuff that is from my childhood (late childhood) or that has a meaning attached to it that I cannot seem to part with it!  By "meaning," I mean, I know exactly who gave me what and when, I cherish the people in my life and those are the things that make me think of them.

It's not all my fault, I like to think it isn't anyway;  when I was four, my mother and father had their divorce and my father took everything, I mean everything!  We had beautiful collectibles that would be worth so much in today's society!  The sad part is that he took everything from my mother (who earned it all) and was put in jail shortly after for going into hiding with us kids, not letting our mother know where we were.  So I was speaking with my father's sister and she had a letter written to her from him, from his jail cell and it said that when he was put in jail, his friend took all the stuff that he had taken from us and did whatever he wanted with it (basically sold it and kept the money) because my dad said that he was flat broke.  In that letter it had said the man contacted our mother (so, I am guessing that was the person we purchased our two photo albums that we have today from; which we paid $500 for) and that was the last time my mother was ever seen by him or any of them.  

My guess is that this is the reason why I hold everything so near and dear to my heart simply because we have lost it all and have had to start over, not just once, but twice (did I mention while my mother was alive, she had someone live with her for three months that came back while she was out of town, visiting me nonetheless and the Richardsons, who were watching her home allowed the woman in and she stole everything, I mean neighbors said that they saw a Uhaul pull up and they thought my mom was moving and sad to say, lol, it was most of mine and my husband's stuff, for the most part, luckily not memories, just stuff)  Needless to say, what I have left is absolutely precious to me and it has become so hard to let things go because you never know what surprise life has in store.  

Today was a good day though, I cleared out a lot of our garage and I am ready for the next phase, cabinets, all of our old cabinets are out there along with granite counter tops, yup, it's going to look pretty snazzy.  It was all left over stuff from when we redid our kitchen and I think it's going to work quite nicely!   Let's just say, half down, half to go, trying to let things go! 

I know, I know, let the stuff go and a weight will be lifted... I'm working on, I am working on it!





Monday, January 23, 2012

Turn hours of wasted time to hours of living.

I have been speaking with different members of the family, each person has a different outlook on people.  One person said, "I couldn't believe that anyone married your dad, little alone, a hard working, motivaded person such as your mother and I couldn't blame her for having left him either." That was the same person that was the only person that cared about him throughout his life, yea, including his dad (he didn't care and still doesn't to this day and no matter how bad he was, it makes me sad).  My father was a horrible person, there was no doubt about that, even his family will admit it, but they say he had a good heart.  Unfortunately, my father was not a good person, he could have been a good person if he would have chosen it, but he didn't.  All his life was spent trying to find the easy way through, but it always found him taking the harder route.  24 years of his life were spent in and out of hospitals and sitting around a television recording shows.
My father paid a high price for his decisions, let me expain;  he lost both of children, who he did appreciate on some kind of level (he stole us twice from our mother and vanished into thin air, so I know he did care), he never had the chance to know us or his grandchildren and he had nothing to live for except Dr. Phil (which I heard was his favorite to record, I wonder if he ever listened to it, you would think he would given up smoking and drinking if so) and his family, well, he had one person who talked to him, she would send him calling cards because she lives in California and he lived in Indiana.  I am sure his days were as a waitress who hasn't any costumers, the days are long, drawn out and the hours go by slow. I don't care who you are, the easy route of life doesn't exist.  I will take my trials, tribulations and triumpts over wasting my life away anyday.  There is nothing worse than having nothing to live for (it is only in your mind).  There is no easy way to get through life, the only way is living it, so I guess I will live, live it each day knowing that I am worth it, that no matter how much I feel lost, that there is a purpose.  Luckily, my children remind me of that purpose everyday, it is an instant reminder of what my life is about here on earth and anything else that comes along is just a plus.  We have one life to live, take it... choose to live to the best of your ability, there is a reason that you are here, you can make a difference just so long as you choose.  You have no reason to waste 24 years, that's 209,664 hours of your life, trying to figure out an easy route, just take it day by day and know that the easy route doesn't exist and that the hard route is worth taking because it's no harder than the any other route, but it is filled with things to smile about! I love life, even though I never had a father around and my mother is gone (I miss her everyday), but I know that I will be able to see her again and even though it hurts that I haven't a parent here on earth, I will turn that pain into progress, into doing great things with my life because I know that's what my mom would have me do, that's what I want too. Live this life to the best of your ability and you will always come out on top, I can promise you that because I am always having to choose it and it always turns out.

Live knowing that you have a purpose.
Love as if there is no tomorrow.
Life will be filled with magic. 

Sunday, January 22, 2012

That Cycle Begins With Me...

The winding rode of life is unknown.  It's twists and turns, I choose to take in stride, for I know no other way.  Look forward, move forward and do your best to know that whatever you go through, you are not alone.  Yes, you can look to Lord, but know that there many others who feel the same and who are going through exactly the same as you.  These are the words that come to my mind each time I feel as if I am alone.  Sometimes I feel that way and a simple reminder brings me back to reality.  I know this life has so much more to offer other than what I am currently working for, someday I hope that I am able to conger up the courage to put the work in to go after all that I want out of life besides being a great mom and terrific wife.  I know that it is always myself, not my circustances that hold me back from success and someday I will put my mind to it and go after what it is that I feel like I am to do.  My family is everything to me and no matter what I have to give up, I will give my children a mother that will be there for them, that will pay attention to what they have to say, knowing them, loving them and being there for them every minute that I possibly can.
My mom was an incredible provider, incredible person, but she was not able to be the mom that she wanted to be because she had to provide for us; her mind was always somewhere else.  Unfortunately my mom married someone who would never have allowed her to be home with her children.  Ever since Bill Rosenau (aka, my father) died, I have had family coming out of the woodworks, calling me and telling me stories... not good ones, I wonder daily if there were any good ones.  I have learned that when my brother was born, my mother could not find a job, so instead of Bill running out and finding a job because my mom was severely pregnant, we lived in a tent and a van.  Besides the abuse that Bill showed my mother, it was no wonder why my mother hated him more than anything else in this life.
It was so hard for me to have learned that someone who was a blood relative had died alone, but more than anything it hurt that I had not heard everything before he passed or had the opportunity to tell him why I hated him all these years.  I had such mixed emotions racing through my mind and I could not figure out how I felt.  It's funny how, with time, that you are able to put yourself back together, allowing the rain to fall and walking through all the puddles can make you see things clearer and feel things that you would not have known you could feel, such as freedom.  Freedom from a man who tortured my mother, made her lose everything that she had made herself into, freedom from all the mistakes that they made together and the anger that he may have caused.
This life is so short, my mom died at 56, Bill at 62 (which is crazy since he was shot in the face, stabbed in the head and beaten with a crowbar, oh, did I mention smoke and drank his entire life away!).  My mother was called to a higher calling, one of which this life could not help her fulfill and Bill, well, I am sure that he lived a longer life so that he could soak in his own misery.  I do feel bad, feel bad that my mom is gone, we miss her and that Bill, well he lived a very sad and lonely life;  I wish that we could have had the dad that played ball, came for Chirstmas or even cared, but we didn't.  I felt sorry for him, that he ruined the only life that he got to live, never making the most of anything;  I will never live my life like that, never.
I hope someday that I will all that there is to know about my mom, but I realized that it is a blessing that I had not known Bill, I don't think anything could have helped him and I realize probably not even me.  It is good that I never had the chance to talk to him.  He was a disappoint and as much as I always wanted to have a father, he would never have been one, not for anything.  Did I mention that I found out not too long ago, that my brother wrote him, tried to forgive and  reconnect with him and he wrote him off, saying that he didn't want him to come visit or call; he probably would have done the same to me.  Sad, but very true.  I feel orphaned, but I am so grateful that I had a mom that cared enough to run from the person that beat her, he lived and died a useless life and as much as I wish he could have been better than that, he wasn't and I can't change that.  All I can do is do better by my family and my children, that is what life is truly about.   Quit the bad cycles, start good ones or if they are good cycles, keep them going and getting better.
This life is crazy, you never know where someone has come from, but it really doesn't matter if you know who you are and you are doing better than the last guy... or girl.  It is not money that makes you privilaged, it is your family.  If you come from a family who is a dad and a mom, wow, that's pretty rare in this day and age, not to mention if everyone is happy with one another;  you are the most privilaged person I know.  If life hasn't been so lucky, such as mine, live for your children, do right by them because they pay for your mistakes just as much as you do, but you are the only one making them.  My mom lived everyday making up for who she married, no she did not have to do that, but for the same reason I feel like I should stay home and raise my kids, she did it, she felt that it was the least she could do and she gave it  her all and that is what I do each and everyday.  I give my children my all because I know that if my mom would have had the chance, that's exactly what she would have done and so that cycle begins with me.


Live 'n' Love Outloud!!

Sunday, January 15, 2012

Yesterday...

Have your parents sit down and document their lives on tape, believe me, this is the best thing that you can ever ask for or do for your children, especially if they value family as much as I do.  I found my life in turmoil.  I received a phone call from my grandfather who I have only been in contact with for the last few months and it was not a good phone call. He had not heard from my father in seven years and I had been trying to find my father for quite some time to get answers about my childhood; why we lived in a tent when my brother was born, why we had two airplanes shortly after or why my mother married him despite all of her incredible prospects who were head over heals in love with her. My mother refused to talk about anything and my father was completely off the map, no where to be found, I have felt like an orphan for quite sometime, but with a bit of hope and now all hope is lost.  I may never know anything about my childhood, may never know who my mother was when she was young and this leaves me with nothing, but sadness and hurt.  My mother always said, "Never look back." What she didn't realize was that it is really hard to move on if you don't ever look back, remembering the truth.  You have to know where you came from to know yourself, in my case I need to know where my mother came from because she was my saving grace.  My father was a severe alcoholic, alcohol consumed him, even til the day he died, it was a big part of his life. Why mother married him is beyond me, but she should have told me the truth about things and yet, she died, taking it to her grave and now, my father has too and all I can hope and pray is that my father wrote something to my brother and I, explaining things or even to say that he did love us and thought of us often.  I don't understand why this has become my fate, not knowing is the worst thing that I can think of, it has torn me apart for the last year and a half (since my mother has died) and now it is bound to torment me for the rest of my life.  My head is spinning, my heart is torn and I am lost. Knowledge is power and I haven't any knowledge and I am powerless, needless to say, I am stuck at a dead end, possibly until the life hereafter.  Great, just great.