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Sunday, January 22, 2012

That Cycle Begins With Me...

The winding rode of life is unknown.  It's twists and turns, I choose to take in stride, for I know no other way.  Look forward, move forward and do your best to know that whatever you go through, you are not alone.  Yes, you can look to Lord, but know that there many others who feel the same and who are going through exactly the same as you.  These are the words that come to my mind each time I feel as if I am alone.  Sometimes I feel that way and a simple reminder brings me back to reality.  I know this life has so much more to offer other than what I am currently working for, someday I hope that I am able to conger up the courage to put the work in to go after all that I want out of life besides being a great mom and terrific wife.  I know that it is always myself, not my circustances that hold me back from success and someday I will put my mind to it and go after what it is that I feel like I am to do.  My family is everything to me and no matter what I have to give up, I will give my children a mother that will be there for them, that will pay attention to what they have to say, knowing them, loving them and being there for them every minute that I possibly can.
My mom was an incredible provider, incredible person, but she was not able to be the mom that she wanted to be because she had to provide for us; her mind was always somewhere else.  Unfortunately my mom married someone who would never have allowed her to be home with her children.  Ever since Bill Rosenau (aka, my father) died, I have had family coming out of the woodworks, calling me and telling me stories... not good ones, I wonder daily if there were any good ones.  I have learned that when my brother was born, my mother could not find a job, so instead of Bill running out and finding a job because my mom was severely pregnant, we lived in a tent and a van.  Besides the abuse that Bill showed my mother, it was no wonder why my mother hated him more than anything else in this life.
It was so hard for me to have learned that someone who was a blood relative had died alone, but more than anything it hurt that I had not heard everything before he passed or had the opportunity to tell him why I hated him all these years.  I had such mixed emotions racing through my mind and I could not figure out how I felt.  It's funny how, with time, that you are able to put yourself back together, allowing the rain to fall and walking through all the puddles can make you see things clearer and feel things that you would not have known you could feel, such as freedom.  Freedom from a man who tortured my mother, made her lose everything that she had made herself into, freedom from all the mistakes that they made together and the anger that he may have caused.
This life is so short, my mom died at 56, Bill at 62 (which is crazy since he was shot in the face, stabbed in the head and beaten with a crowbar, oh, did I mention smoke and drank his entire life away!).  My mother was called to a higher calling, one of which this life could not help her fulfill and Bill, well, I am sure that he lived a longer life so that he could soak in his own misery.  I do feel bad, feel bad that my mom is gone, we miss her and that Bill, well he lived a very sad and lonely life;  I wish that we could have had the dad that played ball, came for Chirstmas or even cared, but we didn't.  I felt sorry for him, that he ruined the only life that he got to live, never making the most of anything;  I will never live my life like that, never.
I hope someday that I will all that there is to know about my mom, but I realized that it is a blessing that I had not known Bill, I don't think anything could have helped him and I realize probably not even me.  It is good that I never had the chance to talk to him.  He was a disappoint and as much as I always wanted to have a father, he would never have been one, not for anything.  Did I mention that I found out not too long ago, that my brother wrote him, tried to forgive and  reconnect with him and he wrote him off, saying that he didn't want him to come visit or call; he probably would have done the same to me.  Sad, but very true.  I feel orphaned, but I am so grateful that I had a mom that cared enough to run from the person that beat her, he lived and died a useless life and as much as I wish he could have been better than that, he wasn't and I can't change that.  All I can do is do better by my family and my children, that is what life is truly about.   Quit the bad cycles, start good ones or if they are good cycles, keep them going and getting better.
This life is crazy, you never know where someone has come from, but it really doesn't matter if you know who you are and you are doing better than the last guy... or girl.  It is not money that makes you privilaged, it is your family.  If you come from a family who is a dad and a mom, wow, that's pretty rare in this day and age, not to mention if everyone is happy with one another;  you are the most privilaged person I know.  If life hasn't been so lucky, such as mine, live for your children, do right by them because they pay for your mistakes just as much as you do, but you are the only one making them.  My mom lived everyday making up for who she married, no she did not have to do that, but for the same reason I feel like I should stay home and raise my kids, she did it, she felt that it was the least she could do and she gave it  her all and that is what I do each and everyday.  I give my children my all because I know that if my mom would have had the chance, that's exactly what she would have done and so that cycle begins with me.

Live 'n' Love Outloud!!

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