Things have been rough, not really sure what life has instore.

Here today, gone tomorrow.

My husband arrived home at 7:45 ish, he had a blank stare on his face and says, you will not believe what just happened to me, I think I just saw someone die.

"What?"

"Yea, I was driving down Stapley when a man was walking across the road and was hit by a truck.  Me and two others swerved to miss him, truck driver didn't stop immediately, but did and came back, he stood over the man yelling, "What were you thinking!!"  We called the police and we were waiting for them to arrive, but I felt sick and several others were there so I left. While standing over this guy, he was bleeding from his head and girgaling as if he were dreaming in his sleep."

This is the second time my husband has seen something as devistaing as this.  A few years ago, he was at the gym, working out when an old man who was jogging on the tredmill fell face- first, hitting his head.  Some some people were giving him mouth to mouth as they were waiting for the medics arrived, the did within minutes, everyone was standing in silence as the pronounced him dead.

Now he is acting in silence, not much to say, very distant.  People die everyday, we don't think about it too much, but when it is in our presence or in relation to us, it really hits home.  My advice and one thing that conforts me is when I see an accident I pray for the family and the people involved, that they will be conforted and ok.  This is a way that all of us can show respect in these very sad circumstances.

Live as if today were your last my friends, say I love you, give hugs and show your love to those that mean the world to you. Here today, gone tomorrow... you never know. 

I have all kinds of random stuff to say!  Maybe because I haven't written for a while or maybe it's just because my life goes through these cycles where crazy stuff happens, I don't know.  The Lord works in the most mysterious ways I tell you! I have felt quite alone ever since my mom died, it was weird that the only person who really understood me in a way that made me feel like an important person, just vanished... we were that for each other, that's what my mom always said anyway and that is exactly how she made me feel as well.

I have been looking for a white rug on craigslist (which is nearly impossible to find, by the way!) and I came across a black one for $40 and decided to take a look at it.  I get this girls address and a couple of hours later I go to her house and she lives just two blocks away.  She invites me into her home to check out the rug, as I'm standing there I take a glance at her couch and out of nowhere the words came to me, "that couch looks just like the one my sister 'n' law had."  She said, "really, did she just sell it a few months ago?" Yes, I said.  "Was she really pregnant, about to pop?" Yes.  "And she lives in a second story apartment in, Tempe?" Yea and she has red hair, her husband has black.  By this time, the both of us are letting out a laugh.  I cannot believe in this very populated state of Arizona, that I ran into the very person that bought my sister 'n' law's couch.  I cannot believe I recognized it in someone else's home!  She only had that couch for a year or two and I looked at it maybe a hand full of times, never thought I'd actually spot it in someone else's home, unbelievable!  This struck an entire sequence of conversation, did I mention she has two girls just like myself.

I have been praying for a best friend, one that I can have nearby.  My life has suffered from such a huge absence ever since my mother left this earth and this person that I met is so sweet, so kind and one of the very things she says to me is that she's friends with everyone and anyone and never sticks to a certain group of people... I can't tell you how dead on she was to who I have always been!  I mean I had friends that I hung out with more often than others, but always went with the wind and befriended anyone put in my path and the relationships rarely lasted... I stick with them, but they move on.  Everywhere I go, my children are the only ones I hangout with, parties and such, I usually end up on the sidelines by myself or with my kids, some people find it ok, but I am a social butterfly who loves people and will do anything for anyone and I long to be someone that people want to have around.

I have always been a big fish in small pond; Springfield, I lived there forever (17 years) and moved from city to city, creating a different group of friends wherever I went so I literally knew everyone!  In Utah (lived there for 4 months) I found myself meeting every on screen actor there that lives there, I was instantly the person they trusted and wanted to be around, they called me for everything!  California (lived there 3 months), it brought me such wonderful, resilient people who are my friends to this day, one of them even handed over the keys to their penthouse after a week of knowing me and said that I could stay there every weekend that they would be out of town and then, there is Arizona, where I reside now.  This place is a very different place for me, I have lived here the second longest that I have ever lived anywhere (almost 4 years) and my friends are family or the next door neighbors who trade us watching each other children.  They do not consult me in any way or rely on me as a friend whatsoever... it makes me sad.  Everyone wants to be needed and I am no different.  I miss having that person that just stops by because they thought of you or because they are having a bad day and know that you can make them laugh (my mother)... I miss that and I hope so much that my life is able to be intercepted by someone that will stick around, love being around and couldn't imagine their life without mine.  I experienced this so many times in my life, but none of them last and I long for that best friend that life wouldn't be the same without... that is something I only had in a MOTHER.  We were undoubtedly best friends, we pulled each other through thick and thin.  Our saying to each other was, "Through thick and thin, where we've been, this is the only place I want to be.  No one could ever replace her or our relationship and all that she was, but it sure would be nice to have someone like her around and that is what I keep my eyes and ears open to seeing or hearing, whether it be her voice, her laugh, her undying love... while I have found much of that in a eternal companion, it sure would be nice to find a friend who understood me like she did.

My Eyes need help, but I won't be doing Lasik anytime soon!

Looked into how much Lasik cost these days and I am shocked that it is still $1900.00, that's per eye... ridiculous!  I can't image what my facial expression looked like, I so shocked! I need to repair my eyes so badly, they have been -1.50 for as long as I can remember, but that price is ridiculous! You would think it would do them more good by having a lower price and bring more people in the door, but oh well, won't be able to afford that for a long long long while! 

Make Friends...

There is not a single thing in this world that I wouldn't do for you.
I don't have many friends, but the few that I do, I am there for you through and through.
Make a friend everywhere you go, they may be the best thing that ever happen to you.
I am here for anyone and everyone, you are my friend, yes it's true.
The beauty of life is within the people you surround yourself.
As for me, I am only as great as the people I have around myself.
Life is so short, make a friend today.
We can all be friends of friend one day, this I pray.

  

What Would You Do?

Man, I wish I would have had that gal take a picture!!
I pull into the Dollar Tree, I park on the east side of the parking lot, it has four cars lined up in a row and on the west side there are three.  I am holding Skylie on the left side of my hip and I begin walking away from my car.  As I am walking toward the store, I hear some strange sound, so I look behind me just in time to see a BMW rolling backward.  I took a double take and no one was inside!  I make a mad dash, yes, while holding my little girl, I'm not even thinking of anything except the damage that this car could possibly cause.  I get behind it and with only my right arm, I stop the car from rolling any further.  I'm standing there, "Did this really happen?" I am praying the person that owns this car comes out pretty quick.  Within minutes a cute little brunet comes out of the Dollar Tree and looks at her parking spot, then looks at me about 30 feet away.  I said, "Is this your car?"  In a startled voice, she says, "yes" with complete shock written all over her face.   "Your car must have started rolling as I got out of my car because it had just passed us."  She called me her angel and all I could say was, "I cannot believe your car rolled backward without hitting either car that was on each side of your parking spot  and missing all four cars in the row just behind it, not to mention, missing us.  Maybe I should get your number, you might be a lucky charm, your car didn't hit anything, you might be the luckiest person I know!" She thanked me several times and got in her car and drove away.   I felt as if I had just filmed a segment of What Would You Do.  What would you have done?  As for me, I realize I care far too much about other people, who knows what could have happened, but I think that is exactly how the world should be, we really should care more about each other.

Live the life we were meant to. 

Love as many and as much as you can.

Do it Out Loud as much as possible for the world to be inspired.

Clutter Bug!

Had a garage sale today, holy cow, I had a lot of stuff to get rid of!  I hate clutter, but I can never seem to get rid of it; I have so much stuff that is from my childhood (late childhood) or that has a meaning attached to it that I cannot seem to part with it!  By "meaning," I mean, I know exactly who gave me what and when, I cherish the people in my life and those are the things that make me think of them.

It's not all my fault, I like to think it isn't anyway;  when I was four, my mother and father had their divorce and my father took everything, I mean everything!  We had beautiful collectibles that would be worth so much in today's society!  The sad part is that he took everything from my mother (who earned it all) and was put in jail shortly after for going into hiding with us kids, not letting our mother know where we were.  So I was speaking with my father's sister and she had a letter written to her from him, from his jail cell and it said that when he was put in jail, his friend took all the stuff that he had taken from us and did whatever he wanted with it (basically sold it and kept the money) because my dad said that he was flat broke.  In that letter it had said the man contacted our mother (so, I am guessing that was the person we purchased our two photo albums that we have today from; which we paid $500 for) and that was the last time my mother was ever seen by him or any of them.  

My guess is that this is the reason why I hold everything so near and dear to my heart simply because we have lost it all and have had to start over, not just once, but twice (did I mention while my mother was alive, she had someone live with her for three months that came back while she was out of town, visiting me nonetheless and the Richardsons, who were watching her home allowed the woman in and she stole everything, I mean neighbors said that they saw a Uhaul pull up and they thought my mom was moving and sad to say, lol, it was most of mine and my husband's stuff, for the most part, luckily not memories, just stuff)  Needless to say, what I have left is absolutely precious to me and it has become so hard to let things go because you never know what surprise life has in store.  

Today was a good day though, I cleared out a lot of our garage and I am ready for the next phase, cabinets, all of our old cabinets are out there along with granite counter tops, yup, it's going to look pretty snazzy.  It was all left over stuff from when we redid our kitchen and I think it's going to work quite nicely!   Let's just say, half down, half to go, trying to let things go! 

I know, I know, let the stuff go and a weight will be lifted... I'm working on, I am working on it!

Turn hours of wasted time to hours of living.

I have been speaking with different members of the family, each person has a different outlook on people.  One person said, "I couldn't believe that anyone married your dad, little alone, a hard working, motivaded person such as your mother and I couldn't blame her for having left him either." That was the same person that was the only person that cared about him throughout his life, yea, including his dad (he didn't care and still doesn't to this day and no matter how bad he was, it makes me sad).  My father was a horrible person, there was no doubt about that, even his family will admit it, but they say he had a good heart.  Unfortunately, my father was not a good person, he could have been a good person if he would have chosen it, but he didn't.  All his life was spent trying to find the easy way through, but it always found him taking the harder route.  24 years of his life were spent in and out of hospitals and sitting around a television recording shows.
My father paid a high price for his decisions, let me expain;  he lost both of children, who he did appreciate on some kind of level (he stole us twice from our mother and vanished into thin air, so I know he did care), he never had the chance to know us or his grandchildren and he had nothing to live for except Dr. Phil (which I heard was his favorite to record, I wonder if he ever listened to it, you would think he would given up smoking and drinking if so) and his family, well, he had one person who talked to him, she would send him calling cards because she lives in California and he lived in Indiana.  I am sure his days were as a waitress who hasn't any costumers, the days are long, drawn out and the hours go by slow. I don't care who you are, the easy route of life doesn't exist.  I will take my trials, tribulations and triumpts over wasting my life away anyday.  There is nothing worse than having nothing to live for (it is only in your mind).  There is no easy way to get through life, the only way is living it, so I guess I will live, live it each day knowing that I am worth it, that no matter how much I feel lost, that there is a purpose.  Luckily, my children remind me of that purpose everyday, it is an instant reminder of what my life is about here on earth and anything else that comes along is just a plus.  We have one life to live, take it... choose to live to the best of your ability, there is a reason that you are here, you can make a difference just so long as you choose.  You have no reason to waste 24 years, that's 209,664 hours of your life, trying to figure out an easy route, just take it day by day and know that the easy route doesn't exist and that the hard route is worth taking because it's no harder than the any other route, but it is filled with things to smile about! I love life, even though I never had a father around and my mother is gone (I miss her everyday), but I know that I will be able to see her again and even though it hurts that I haven't a parent here on earth, I will turn that pain into progress, into doing great things with my life because I know that's what my mom would have me do, that's what I want too. Live this life to the best of your ability and you will always come out on top, I can promise you that because I am always having to choose it and it always turns out.

Live knowing that you have a purpose.
Love as if there is no tomorrow.
Life will be filled with magic. 

That Cycle Begins With Me...

The winding rode of life is unknown.  It's twists and turns, I choose to take in stride, for I know no other way.  Look forward, move forward and do your best to know that whatever you go through, you are not alone.  Yes, you can look to Lord, but know that there many others who feel the same and who are going through exactly the same as you.  These are the words that come to my mind each time I feel as if I am alone.  Sometimes I feel that way and a simple reminder brings me back to reality.  I know this life has so much more to offer other than what I am currently working for, someday I hope that I am able to conger up the courage to put the work in to go after all that I want out of life besides being a great mom and terrific wife.  I know that it is always myself, not my circustances that hold me back from success and someday I will put my mind to it and go after what it is that I feel like I am to do.  My family is everything to me and no matter what I have to give up, I will give my children a mother that will be there for them, that will pay attention to what they have to say, knowing them, loving them and being there for them every minute that I possibly can.
My mom was an incredible provider, incredible person, but she was not able to be the mom that she wanted to be because she had to provide for us; her mind was always somewhere else.  Unfortunately my mom married someone who would never have allowed her to be home with her children.  Ever since Bill Rosenau (aka, my father) died, I have had family coming out of the woodworks, calling me and telling me stories... not good ones, I wonder daily if there were any good ones.  I have learned that when my brother was born, my mother could not find a job, so instead of Bill running out and finding a job because my mom was severely pregnant, we lived in a tent and a van.  Besides the abuse that Bill showed my mother, it was no wonder why my mother hated him more than anything else in this life.
It was so hard for me to have learned that someone who was a blood relative had died alone, but more than anything it hurt that I had not heard everything before he passed or had the opportunity to tell him why I hated him all these years.  I had such mixed emotions racing through my mind and I could not figure out how I felt.  It's funny how, with time, that you are able to put yourself back together, allowing the rain to fall and walking through all the puddles can make you see things clearer and feel things that you would not have known you could feel, such as freedom.  Freedom from a man who tortured my mother, made her lose everything that she had made herself into, freedom from all the mistakes that they made together and the anger that he may have caused.
This life is so short, my mom died at 56, Bill at 62 (which is crazy since he was shot in the face, stabbed in the head and beaten with a crowbar, oh, did I mention smoke and drank his entire life away!).  My mother was called to a higher calling, one of which this life could not help her fulfill and Bill, well, I am sure that he lived a longer life so that he could soak in his own misery.  I do feel bad, feel bad that my mom is gone, we miss her and that Bill, well he lived a very sad and lonely life;  I wish that we could have had the dad that played ball, came for Chirstmas or even cared, but we didn't.  I felt sorry for him, that he ruined the only life that he got to live, never making the most of anything;  I will never live my life like that, never.
I hope someday that I will all that there is to know about my mom, but I realized that it is a blessing that I had not known Bill, I don't think anything could have helped him and I realize probably not even me.  It is good that I never had the chance to talk to him.  He was a disappoint and as much as I always wanted to have a father, he would never have been one, not for anything.  Did I mention that I found out not too long ago, that my brother wrote him, tried to forgive and  reconnect with him and he wrote him off, saying that he didn't want him to come visit or call; he probably would have done the same to me.  Sad, but very true.  I feel orphaned, but I am so grateful that I had a mom that cared enough to run from the person that beat her, he lived and died a useless life and as much as I wish he could have been better than that, he wasn't and I can't change that.  All I can do is do better by my family and my children, that is what life is truly about.   Quit the bad cycles, start good ones or if they are good cycles, keep them going and getting better.
This life is crazy, you never know where someone has come from, but it really doesn't matter if you know who you are and you are doing better than the last guy... or girl.  It is not money that makes you privilaged, it is your family.  If you come from a family who is a dad and a mom, wow, that's pretty rare in this day and age, not to mention if everyone is happy with one another;  you are the most privilaged person I know.  If life hasn't been so lucky, such as mine, live for your children, do right by them because they pay for your mistakes just as much as you do, but you are the only one making them.  My mom lived everyday making up for who she married, no she did not have to do that, but for the same reason I feel like I should stay home and raise my kids, she did it, she felt that it was the least she could do and she gave it  her all and that is what I do each and everyday.  I give my children my all because I know that if my mom would have had the chance, that's exactly what she would have done and so that cycle begins with me.


Live 'n' Love Outloud!!

Family Forever!

I have such an amazing family! 

Yesterday...

Have your parents sit down and document their lives on tape, believe me, this is the best thing that you can ever ask for or do for your children, especially if they value family as much as I do.  I found my life in turmoil.  I received a phone call from my grandfather who I have only been in contact with for the last few months and it was not a good phone call. He had not heard from my father in seven years and I had been trying to find my father for quite some time to get answers about my childhood; why we lived in a tent when my brother was born, why we had two airplanes shortly after or why my mother married him despite all of her incredible prospects who were head over heals in love with her. My mother refused to talk about anything and my father was completely off the map, no where to be found, I have felt like an orphan for quite sometime, but with a bit of hope and now all hope is lost.  I may never know anything about my childhood, may never know who my mother was when she was young and this leaves me with nothing, but sadness and hurt.  My mother always said, "Never look back." What she didn't realize was that it is really hard to move on if you don't ever look back, remembering the truth.  You have to know where you came from to know yourself, in my case I need to know where my mother came from because she was my saving grace.  My father was a severe alcoholic, alcohol consumed him, even til the day he died, it was a big part of his life. Why mother married him is beyond me, but she should have told me the truth about things and yet, she died, taking it to her grave and now, my father has too and all I can hope and pray is that my father wrote something to my brother and I, explaining things or even to say that he did love us and thought of us often.  I don't understand why this has become my fate, not knowing is the worst thing that I can think of, it has torn me apart for the last year and a half (since my mother has died) and now it is bound to torment me for the rest of my life.  My head is spinning, my heart is torn and I am lost. Knowledge is power and I haven't any knowledge and I am powerless, needless to say, I am stuck at a dead end, possibly until the life hereafter.  Great, just great. 

Celebrate the small things!

Celebrate the small things, whether it is something that you accomplished or something your children do, celebrate.  Life is too short to just sit around thinking you didn't do it good enough or you could have done more.  Make everyday a celebration of life.  I'm going to go celebrate nature today and go feed the ducks with my two little ones; I love nature and I am so grateful for its depth, it allows me to escape the worries of life anytime I choose and today I choose to embrace the beauty rather than worry.

Live 'n' Love Out loud!!

The Family is Worth more than anything in this world.

I married into a big family, my husband came from a family of seven, a number much bigger than two when you add how much groceries cost and the chaos provided by such a large number.  They came into our town and stayed in our home this passed week and while it was wonderful to spend time with them, but I must say, I am glad to have our house back.  Overflowed toilet, constant mess of living out of bags all over the house and craziness of trying to get somewhere on time... I have learned in order to have a big family, you must have a great since of humor or simply don't care.  Don't get me wrong, I have a great since of humor, I just have problems with wasting money and the not caring part.  I wish that I could be more laid back with a lot of things, but I have a hard time when the ceiling of my garage falls in or I can tell you exactly where you have been because you leave a trail of lights and dirty laundry behind you.

I guess you could say my home is my santuary and to be honest, it was the last thing that my mother ever did for me. She helped us get this house, just in the nick of time too, right after we moved our apartment comeplex began having some many problems with thieft and even someone who was shot.  It was her dream to live in a home such as this and everyday I see her in every inch of this home and I know that she would have loved it here. I think that is why I care more than normal, I want this home to last, to be perfect, in every way possible and treated it with respect, as we should anyway, but it seems as though most people take much of what they have for granted.  I am not materlistic at all, I don't require much to live this life, but cherish all that I have.  I have lived on much less, but would like very much not go back to that, I grew up pushing my mother to work harder, she always said that the reason she never gave up was because I had always been the monkey on her back, even as a small child.  She said that she always knew that I would never allow her to fail (my eyes draw tears as we speak).  She was so strong and she loved us so much and I refuse to give my children anything less and I will work as hard as I can to give them a better life than I had, mentally and materially (my life is great, but I want greater for them).  Yes, my life has made me strong, yes, I appreciate the good because of all the bad, but it takes a tole on you, it makes you watch your back even though you have done nothing and although you are a good person, you feel as though you are not good enough.  My mother was incredible and I will give my life to my children, living it each day, trying to do better than my mother did (if that is even humanly possible).

Live 'n' Love Outloud!!

The Weight is Over!

Yes, I have lost my baby weight, whoo- hoo and to celebrate I got my hair half done for the first time ever (the half done part) and whole done, well the first time in two years.  Yup, half done, I was in the middle of getting it done by someone who is doing a secondary education required to work in a certain kind of salon and it had already been 3 hours when my husband called and text and called and text again!  I called him back when the glaze was rinsed from my hair and in the background I heard the scream of Riel (the baby).  Screaming bloody murder, she was!  She refused to take the bottle and hadn't eaten in at least four hours (she was sleeping when and before I left the house), I had to get home, so the gal barely dried my hair and set my appointment to come back to finish my half color and half haircut; got to say, I have never had one of those.  Ah, the joys of motherhood.  I am going to post before and after pictures when my hair is all done and I will be starting another blog after the holidays when I start working out.

I haven't been the best example of working out for a while now, but I used to be the very best example there ever was,  I had lost my will to be super fit after I moved from my hometown, Springfield, MO because I put my dreams of acting on the back-burner.  I heard that! You want to know what Springfield, MO has to offer?  Brad Pitt, Kathleen Turner and John Goodman... need I say more!  Yup, those guys came directly from Springfield, MO and many more to come, believe me, that place is inhabited with talent, real talent, not just the kind that move to LA hoping to "Make It," but the kind who know their craft, perfect it and spring into the spotlight out of nowhere... those are the ones to watch, it's beautiful.  When I see them on the big screen, I have two reactions;  so happy for them and the other, jealousy that they are on there and I - am - not.  I know that I could do something with acting (especially drama), it has honestly has been the only craft I have ever wanted to do with my life (no knitting or baby wiping dreams ever came from girl's mouth).  All I wanted out of my life was to take the set by storm and make every scene work.

Do you live life in the moment or are you the type that navigates through cause and effect before ever deciding what to do?  I am somewhere in between.  I grab life by the reins and guide it the best I can, but fly with it if the sleigh flies toward the wrong star (getting into the Christmas spirit).  I follow by faith, knowing by experience that life does not take turns by accident.  We either follow, experiencing a happiness we would never have known existed or we learn something that we never want to go back to ever again; either way, dreams are never lost. In a world of Internet and reality tv, life can happen and you can seize the moment as never before and when you are done seizing the moment, you can post a video and whool- a, can be right back to where you wanted to be.  Although I didn't get what I wanted out of life so far, I got two people I never even dreamed of having, you guessed it, my baby girls!  I never saw myself as a mother, little alone a mother of two or even married for that matter, but it is pretty cool and I have to say, I still act, just at home for now, but if you never see me on the big screen, this is what I gave it up for...

P.S. Dreams are never lost, just on pause once in a while.             

Times flys!

This year has flown by!! I cannot believe that it is nearly December.  We had our baby blessing on my birthday... just about the only time that I can be happy for it to be on a Sunday, it was so neat!  All of my husbands family came, they are the most wonderful bunch of people you will ever meet. Riel is sooo big, at just three months old, she is at least 12 pounds (last visit to the pediatrian) and growing like a weed!  At week two, she was already holding up her head and body so steadily that it seems as though she's six months old.  The little ones grow so fast and the big ones grow even faster... it makes me sad!  They are so beautiful, watching them talk and raise their little hands, to watch those small fingers rub that little head... it is amazing.  As she eats, she closes her eyes with satifaction and drifts into a world of her own.  Everytime I watch her, it calms me and gives this overwhelming feeling of doing something right.

My toddler, her name is Skylie, she is amazing, she loves her little sister so much.  She gives her kisses nearly everyday and this week she gave her a cold... something that I wish she wouldn't have shared.  She has this beautiful way about her, the way she wants to be independant, but wants you to be watching to make sure she does it right (the perfectionist side of her).  Of course she loves to play and it makes me so sad when we go to play and the neighbors aren't ourside, she feels alone. That's exactly why I had another one so soon, so that she would have a built- in playmate and best friend; I'm so sad to see Riel to get big, but I can't wait for her to be big enough to do all the things that Skylie can.  It will be so wonderful for them and I am so glad that my husband and I decided to add to our family when we did and the timing could not have been more perfect or worked out any better. What made us decide to get pregnant in the first place, well it was with influence of our dogs, Skylie was picking things up with her teeth and bringing them back us to be thrown again, that's when I knew she needed a PERSON in her life to relate to.

It is such a awesome feeling when you do what is right for your children, even if it is the harder thing for you.  Having only one child is so unfair to them.  They grow up alone, always searching for somewhere to fit in, my daughter was experiencing this by the time she was only 1, I couldn't imagine how she would have felt by the time she was 10 or even a teen, at least now she has one person in this world who can know how she feels, to be able to go to school with and to experience this world side by side.  Of course she will always have us, her parents, but we all know, it is simply not the same.

  

Rollacoaster... I'll take you up and I'll bring you down and send you up again!

Yesterday was so fun and so horrible at the same time! My baby girl had to get 6 shots.. that is rediculous!! I was so mad afterwards because she couldn't quit crying, her poor little legs were hurting so bad, I don't think I can ever put her through that again!  I felt terrible and a failure to her, I was shaking and almost started crying, I never want to see my little girl in that much pain again!  After she fell asleep we went to Tempe Market Place where they have a splash pad, my husband stopped by and was supposed to stay and play, but our 2 year old was hungry and tired, I told him it would be a while before she would play in the water so he left to work on some things.  About 30 minutes later she began to play, she was so adorable and I wish so much that I had my camera, but I had forgot it at home and my phone was dead!  She played all by herself running around and hitting each of the water fountains that spring up from the ground, so cute!  She has  never played like that before and it was so beautiful to see her have such fun by herself, she would run over to me laughing and then run back to play, it was so beautiful!

While we were there, a young man who appeared to be high or something walked over to two women who happeded to be sitting acrossed from me.  He leaned over and said something, the mother said "I'm sorry, we can't do that."  I held my baby girl for dear life as he passed by me, I was praying that he would not stop.  He pocceeded to walk away, stopping at a sign and giving it a lashing with his fist... it was the craziest thing I have ever seen!  The mother stood up and walked over to me and explained that the yound man asked them if they would punch him in the face.  I was in complete disarray as I was thinking of leaving just before he appeared.  Nevertheless, we stayed for a bit, hoping that he would be long gone before we left.  People like that just need to learn to stay home!! My heart was pounding and I felt so blessed that my daughter had not run to me until after that guy left, who knows what could have happened and I was so grateful that nothing had occurred and that I did not see him again.  It was the scarriest thing that has happened to me in a long time.

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On a higher note...
I am so excited to welcome our new little neice to the family today! I saw her picture just a little bit ago and tears came to eyes. She is so perfect and beautiful!  My sister 'n' law is gorgeous inside and out and I can't tell you how jealous I am of her on a daily basis, but now I'm jealous because she is holding her brand new little baby... that is the very best feeling ever!  I will never forget that feeling and that little look, that look they having just arrived from heaven.  They have this gleaming light all around them and you can't help, but want to hold and stare at that them.  Babies are so amazing, children are so amazing... they teach us so much and I look forward to spending each day with our little ones even if it is hard and tests my patience a lot, but it is well worth it just to see those beautiful smiles and that wonderful laughter that makes you laugh just by watching them.  It is the gratest joy of my life watching these little ones grow and learn... it is a true gift from God.

Live 'n' Love Out Loud!! 

It is a beautiful life!

What makes a day good or bad?  What you put in is what you get out.  Life happens in more ways than one and everyday is a new day, make the best of what you have.  I have someone in my life that feels as though life is what it is and that you can't change the way you are... they obviously haven't tried, not full heartedly anyway.  To me, when you have a beautiful family, a gorgeous house, a great education and everything that many can only dream about... I would be more than grateful, more than happy, in fact, I am.  Instead of dwelling on all the good, if something lacks in life, they focus on that and it becomes their reality in everything they think and do.

At the heavenly temple, I was inspired yesterday as I was able to feel of the overwhelming happiness of the spirits that exist beyond flesh and bone.  Here's my challenge to all of us;  single, married, dating or whatever our situation.  If we have negative thoughts as we speak, smile right this second, seriously, run to a mirror and tell ourselves something great in our life, do it, right now!!!!  Let's do this together; everyday we wake up, if there is someone there beside us, lets tell one thing we love about them  and one thing we love about life (even if they don't feel like doing this with you) just one and if there isn't anyone beside us, take the time to look in the mirror, acknowledging something that we love about ourselves and something that we love about our life.  For more effect, try to write it down so that we can go back and read it when we feel poorly.

It's a strange about us, but there are times that we like to feel down, feel sorry for ourselves, forgetting or never having felt that pure happiness... forget that!!! We have done enough in our lives, we are great and we have done more than some could ever dream and there are a lot of things that we can't change, but the way we SEE our reality isn't one of them.  Change the way we SEE things and we can change our reality... it's that simple.  This is not a mind game, this is simple physics; just because you're bleeding, doesn't mean it hurts.  You have happiness and beauty all around you, so SEE it, FEEL it and KNOW that it is there.  I will do this everyday of my life from here on out.  I may fail to remember a time or two, but the moment I remember, I will change what I haven't done to what I do.  I will see the beauty all around me and I will share this with every person that I come in contact with, starting today.  If I forget to wake, beginning the morning sharing my thoughts of love, I will call or text my significant other the thing I love about them and our life; instantly helping them to focus on the same.  Live in the moment as if you are taking your last breath, only say the things that you want to be known for and other's to remember... that's the safe way to make sure that you leave this life as someone who made a difference.  At my funeral, I want people to say, "She lived life to the fullest and I have not known someone so full of light as she." Embrace each day with a pureness of heart and a love for everything;  I do and I will.

Live 'n' Love Out Loud!!

My head has so many things to say...

the last two days, our garbage disposer has been making a sound as if it were broken.  My husband is the only person who has been using it and I asked if he had cleaned it all out and he said with confidence that he had and that it must be broken.  Well, this morning I stuck my hand down there in disbelief that it was broken and it was a good thing I did; I found a pretty big rock (must have been from the hubby changing the dog water)!! The rock had broken into smaller pieces so it took some searching to find it all, but sure enough, once I got it all out, the garbage disposal worked just fine.  Yup, leave it to man to just say, "well, we will just have to buy a new one" and leave it to a woman to find the problem and solve it without a single cent being spent! I swear, if the government would appoint a group of stay at mothers to go over the US budget, not only would it probably get us out of debt, but I'll bet we would make them money!
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After a little while of putting my 2 year old to bed, rubbing her back and spending time helping her to appreciate her sleep, she is now walking upstairs hand in hand, lying down and going to sleep.  It has been wonderful, not only is it not a fight at 9 pm, but we just put her in bed, we get to leave and she sleeps the entire night without coming into our room until after we're awake.  Allowing our little ones to grow up is tough, but it was the cutest thing to go upstairs, peek in on her and see that she tucked herself in... absolutely adorable!
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for the past couple of days, my husband and I began our journey on P90X; we work out in the mornings together, I clean house and he makes the dinners (which are awesome, he is a much better cook than I am).  By 9 pm I was not only sore to the point of no return, but I was so tired that I didn't feel like I could even put the girls to bed.  I took my baby downstairs and handed her off to the hubby and he asked me to put our toddler to bed, so I took her upstairs.  Around 15 minutes later, my husband came upstairs and gave me the baby.  I was in such a bad mood! On top of how miserable my entire body felt (inside and out), my new born was wide awake at 10 pm, it was miserable and I felt terrible, but I had to let her cry and wear herself out.  It took forever for her to go to sleep, but she finally did and I could not have been more grateful!  She slept the whole night through and woke up around 6 am.  

One child never seemed as if there were any change in our lives, the only thing that was different was instead of being a workaholic, I became a love-a-holic!  All I have been able to do in these past two years is love my little one as if there were no tomorrow, take her everywhere and do everything I can to give her all the time I never had with my mother.  Now that there is two, it seems as if the work load is 100% more! I try to still go places, but it's not like when I had my first and only one.  I went everywhere, everyday with only one, but now that I have two, with one that's walking, it's a bit difficult to just up and go places, mostly because of the two year old;  it takes forever to get out the door and it seems that I am always late for everything!

I am telling you, I have worked at nearly every job on the planet (that doesn't require an education, of course) and the hardest thing that I have ever done is be a MOM!  It requires you to have patience like never before, to understand that children get just as frustrated as you do; it changes you and how you see things.  It's truly amazing that having children bring out this whole other side of you that you may never had known before.  For me, it makes me miss my mother everyday... cherish every moment (good and bad), you have no idea when it could all be taken away.  I think how lucky my children are, that they get to have a Mother at home, to care for them better than any other person would.  If you are a stay at home Mom, you are so blessed to do so, take pride in what you do and who you are.  Sometimes we forget how beautiful we are, after gaining weight, having children and baring it all to a Doctor we barely know, I think it becomes too easy to lose yourself in it all.  We matter, although we do not have people flirting with us or telling us how awesome we are on a daily basis, we can tell by how wonderful we are though our children; what they are learning and how they interact with others.  For those who are not stay at home Mom's, you are much too over- worked and I know that there is some- sort of emotional detachment that has to take place, I do not know how you do it!  Just leaving my little one with their Father is hard for me, little alone someone who you barely know. Either way you have it, it is a sacrifice that all of us make (money- wise or time with our children), we do what we have to do to survive and none of it is easy.

I have to tell you, through it all, if my husband and I were to ever break up, it was all worth it, just to have my little ones apart of my life, for the rest of my life, it is all worth it! So whatever your life puts you through, just remember that you are an incredible person, you are not alone and that although you feel as if you don't have a friend in the world, there are many others that feel the exact same way and all you have to do is be a friend to gain a friend.  I am here for you and I can definitely use a friend.

Live 'n' Love Out Loud!!

Free Stuff!

Who would have ever thought that I would end up with two baby girls that wouldn't sleep more than 15 minutes unless they are being held!  This is why I haven't been able to blog; I can do a lot of things with one hand; blogging isn't one of them!
This week we found out about another program that they have here, in Arizona, that you can take your children to.   One of my beautiful friends thought to invite me and I was so grateful! We were late, but still enjoyed every minute of it. It's at the Superstitions Springs Mall from 10 to 11 every Thursday morning, they have a stage where they sing, dance and your little ones get all their wiggles out, allowing you to have a nice napping child by the afternoon... it's fabulous and free!! Plus they have an awesome Carousel that they get to ride for free as well, then you get free kids meal at the food court with a purchase; a friend of mine and I split our meal, so it was $4 for the 4 of us to eat, a fantastic deal if you ask me.
Arizona has a lot of programs for children, it's one of things I love about living here.  They have story time at Bookmans (a very successful second- hand book/ game store that has a little cafe as well), there's a story time at the Mesa Library as well and at several libraries they offer different "Culture Passes," to get you into various museums in Maricopa County... all for free!  Then you have the Tempe Splash pad where buckets dump on you, a water slide and several types of fountains, all of which are great for the kids to get soaked for hours in the hot sun!  At many malls they have splash pads as well, they are little fountains of water coming up from the ground, but they are great to go to after you've dragged your little ones around the mall for a while and when they can't take anymore of your shopping.  Arizona definitely offers a ton of stuff to do for free, even more if you are willing to pay, which I'm not... LOL, maybe if times weren't so tough, but they are and to be honest, at this age, my kid doesn't know the difference!

Live 'n' Love Out Loud!!

Family is Everything

Today has been all about family day! My mother's mom, Grandma Robinson's Birthday is today, so I called to wish her a Very Merry Happy Birthday!  She is 79, doing extremely well and sounds happier than I can ever remember!  She and I spoke for a little while, which is a first, but she has quit smoking and is entering the Temple for the first time.  This is a very exciting time for the both of us, I can't remember a time where I was more excited and more surprised to hear something about her and I cannot wait to go with her!
I also just got off the phone with my grandma Rosenau, which is my father's mother.  Normally when we talk, it is my grandma and grandpa, they are so cute; they're usually on different phones at the same time listening and talking in.  I came in contact with them just a few months ago because we haven't had anything to do with my father since I was 4 and my mother just never made an effort for my brother and I to know his parents and I had no idea how to find them since I didn't know so much as their names.  Shortly after my mother's death last September I felt compelled to start doing family genealogy and as I did it, I began wondering about my Rosenau side since I had never known any of them or their names.  I started searching through everything I sent home after my mom had died and a while went by, but I found some old letters that my father and brother had written to each other while he had served a mission.  My father was strange, probably from the drug and alcohol abuse, but when my brother said that he wanted to come see him after his mission was over, my father told him that he couldn't because he was a stranger.  My brother stopped talking to him after that, but luckily after all my searching through boxes I came across those letters and they had my grandparents phone number and address, but no names.
I called them nearly everyday for a week, leaving message after message.  I had thought either they didn't want anything to do with us or they had passed away and I was harassing someone to no end until they picked up the phone and told me that they had no idea who I was.  Sure enough I received a call that following Monday and it was them, they couldn't believe that I had called so much and that I wanted to know them.  We spoke for a couple of hours, they said that they had stopped through Missouri at one point, to see my brother and I when was 5, but didn't get to see us after that because we had moved.  My mother was always moving;  my father would find us and when she figured it out, she would move us to make sure we were never in danger of him taking us again (tell you that story later).  Sure enough, my grandparents didn't know where we were, I'm pretty sure that's how my father had found us and my mother probably didn't want to take any chances.
Needless to say, with a leap of faith, I called and my grandparents have become people that I love very much, they are so cute and fortunately they are nothing like my father.  In fact, they haven't even heard from him in 7 years because my grandfather said that it was the last time he was given him money, that he was on his own.  I don't really do this, but never judge a book by it's cover... just because the children aren't good, it doesn't mean that the parents aren't.  Now we talk nearly every week and come to find out, we are their only grandchildren and now they have 3 great grandchildren as well and they apologized by saying, "We are sorry that it took us 28 years to become grandparents."  As for me, I never really had grandparents that cared to hear from me, that pretty much goes for family all together, so it gives me great pleasure that they wanted a relationship with me and I feel so much love for them that I can't believe how long it took for them to be in my life.
So if someone has been absent from your life... you should reach out to them.  Even if it is for a reason, that something is between you or your relationship suffered from something, life is too short to hold grudges.  I had wondered before I called them, why they hadn't tried knowing us, why they didn't try finding us or want us to be a part of their life bad enough to make the effort. I just put all of that aside realizing that most of the time we can't understand or know of certain things, we should put the passed away and move on.  I didn't ask why they didn't make the effort, I just embrace what I have now, I was the one who had to make the effort and I am so glad that I did, regardless of the circumstances.